(A Primal Scene?)

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I’m not there, I’m gone
It’s all about confusion…

(Bob Dylan, “I’m Not There”)

I’m not there, except through a photograph. I’m not there except through a scanned and digitized version of a photograph. Unheimlich/ Heimlich. An un(canny) image that serves as a reminder that I was not there even when “I” was there.

(A Scene?) - This term is ill-chosen, for what it supposedly names is unrepresentable, and escapes fiction as well; yet ‘scene’ is pertinent in that it allows one at least not to speak as if of an event taking place at a moment in time.” (Blanchot)

[Yes, this is me. Another me. Unrecognizing myself in the disaster.]

A scene: – A little over seven. The excitement of a first holiday abroad with family. Meeting new family. – Germany: so many expectations tied to it. So many expectations miraculously fulfilled. Unexpectations not fulfilled. Germany no more: Germania – germarina. – The wall. Wall? History I could not see. – Would like to own a piece, even though I don’t want to touch it. Looks dirty. Ewww. – Why did it happen? When? What are you not telling me? The generous effect of the disaster.

Revisited Revised

Another catastrophe, one we never imagined,
sudden, precipitous, falls upon us,
and unprepared — there is no more time — carries us off.

How can I make myself not read this allegorically? How can I make myself not take this literally?

Is this poem timeless, or has history rendered it time-less?

This was around the time Cavafy had given up on symbols.

Myth, to him, is “depoliticized speech” … poetry with no context, the personal detatched from the political. Could this be right???

His poem has a personal tone, a tone of defiance. Defiance, but not complete disregard for an audience. Not disregard the sense that the audience has to empathize.

He must overcome the trappings of myth, precisely through the very trappings of myth: language, poetry, abstraction, allegory.

Only then can his work be set free. But freedom never comes. Freedom is besides the point.

Memento Mori

Memento mori is a Latin phrase meaning “Be mindful of death” and may be translated as “Remember that you are mortal,” “Remember you will die,” “Remember that you must die,” or “Remember your death”. It names a genre of artistic creations that vary widely from one another, but which all share the same purpose, which is to remind people of their own mortality. (Wikipedia)

Memento. Mori.

MORI

“Man’s guilt in history and in the tides of his own blood has been complicated by technology, the daily seeping falsehearted deathbed.” >>> “You are the sum total of your data. No man escapes that.” <<

(from Don DeLillo’s White Noise).

MEMENTO:

“They tried to teach you to make lists in grade school, remember? Back when your day planner was the back of your hand. And if your assignments came off in the shower, well, then they didn’t get done. No direction, they said. No discipline. So they tried to get you to write it all down somewhere more permanent…[The list is] like a letter you write to yourself. A master plan, drafted by the guy who can see the light, made with steps simple enough for the rest of the idiots to understand.” (from Jonathan Nolan’s short story, Memento Mori)

The blog is the list I make to myself, for myself. The instructions from my relays are part of my list. Do not forget to …

I will help myself remember that which escapes memory. Google will help me conjure the images. Can I make my unconscious googleable?

a memory, an image, a trigger

The Berlin Wall.

What was there before ME. I was not there. It never happened to me.

Childhood memory / Child’s fiction

One of my happiest and most idealized childhood memories: a family trip to Germany.

Up to this moment, I never thought of my first visit to Germany as anything else but a blissful childhood memory.

The last vacation we took as a family.

My first time on a plane.

First time in another country.

First time to meet my new aunt.

First time to practice the few German words I learned.  First time to have my accent made fun of.

Exploring the unknown  for the first time …

… and that is where it was located all this time…  buried under happy, ignorant moments.